An Open Letter to Jessica Simpson

Dear Jessica,

I heard the news that you are thinking about adopting a child from Mexico. I know you just got divorced from Nick, but hey, it’s time you moved on with your life. I can’t think of a better way to improve your image than to adopt a poor child from an orphanage in Mexico, who, unlike that stripper-groping-party-boy ex-husband will always love and adore you unconditionally, at least when you’re in town between movie premieres and shopping. And this way, by adopting first, you can make that sequel to “Dukes of Hazzard” without ruining your bootylicious figure.

Hey, like your idol Angelina, it might actually improve your celebrity “it” rating. Just do it now, so you can benefit professionally from it. Adopting kids of a different race hasn’t hurt the image of Nicole Kidman or Michelle Pfeiffer. They’re both considered serious actors. And Julie Andrews did it too – she adopted from Vietnam, and hell, she was Mary Poppins! Just don’t wait too long like Meg Ryan’s recent adoption of a Chinese baby – she’s been out of the spotlight for so long, it just looks desperate. And you’ve got to do it before Paris Hilton jumps on the bandwagon too.

Just think how much fun it will be to throw a Mexican-themed birthday party for your little tyke once a year, and be sure to invite Salma Hayek for a little celebrity culture. Maybe she could be your kid’s godmother! It’ll be a fun chance for you to kick back with some slammin’ margaritas and a mariachi band.

I’m sure your little one will always be grateful for the opportunity to be adopted by a big-time celebrity. S/he will be so proud of your extensive B-list movie career and that MTV show you were on with whats-his-name. Oh yeah, I guess you were a singer once too.

Life with mansions, exclusive private schools and the best designer baby clothes will be so awesome, I’m sure s/he will never think about that godforsaken country s/he left. And this way s/he can come to the great land o’plenty legally instead of having to wait fifteen years to cross the border with Juan and Luis.

Years from now, I’m sure s/he will be grateful that s/he was adopted by you, Jessica Simpson. Next to the Nanny and your maltipoo Daisy, I’m sure s/he will love you best!



Author: JaeRan

Assistant professor at UW Tacoma, writer, and researcher.

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