“Neither family ever thought we should reunite them permanently. They are both settled and very happy.”
This is so very wrong on so many levels.
Yeah – of course the adoptive parents would say that ‘Oh – they’re very settled – blah blah blah.
These twins belong together.
Typical selfish adoptive parent behaviour.
It’s just NEVER about the children’s BEST INTERESTS – is it???
UGH.
Possum.
I listened to the programme. I realised how parenthood is not all selflessness and love, but deeply selfish. It became more and more angry as I listened and things haven’t changed much. “There are so many children in the world who needs love.” “We wanted a little child we could love.” “We love her for her beauty.” And they were taught about the “supermarket moment” when strangers will say, “She doesn’t look like you!” “But it hasn’t happened. We are so multi-cultural now people don’t notice.” No, the “supermarket moment” goes like this, a total stranger goes, “She is so cute!!! Aren’t you cute? Just cute! So cute! Aren’t you a lucky girl to be here? In China they kill little girls like you and you are so cute!!!!”
Their training is done by social workers and people working for the adoption industry (it is an industry) and they are mainly white people who have a positive spin on adoption.
The programme was mainly about how UNFAIR it is they have to wait to get their little baby. It is just tearing them apart!!! It is just gruelling having to answer questions, to go through tests and then have to wait. It is just inhumane that they can’t get their little baby when they want because they have so much love to give. That is all they want, just give love to a cute little brown baby. I was puking.
The way they talked was very similar to the way my adoptive parents talked. I don’t doubt that they love the little slit eyed kid, but there is something that jars. The fact they think everything is fine because they live in “multicultural” Britain, or for them in Bath. They enjoyed the attention they got from strangers because of their cute little baby, just like my adoptive parents. It was their “fame”, the only one they could get because they were just ordinary folks.
I hate this programme and hated the title too.
Possum,
“Neither family ever thought we should reunite them permanently. They are both settled and very happy.”
I think you are having a knee-jerk reaction to this comment. The parents aren’t saying the girls shouldn’t see eachother. If so, why would they want to meet up in China? They are saying that they would not have the girls live with eachother. Each girl is settled with her own family. Having the girls live together would put a strain on the families, as which couple would get them?
Sometimes, you need to read between the lines. You have to look at what people mean, which may not be conveyed literally in what they say.
Jstele, I agree that this is a very complicated situation, but I also agree with Possum that the best interest of these twins is not being taken into consideration.
There will be a lot emotions for the girls to consider as they become adult adoptees. Now add in the rhetoric about the power of the twin bond and knowing that you missed that experience, with your parents’ consent, that’s difficult. I don’t think it is too extreme to say that it is selfish for these parents to ask of their daughters to accept this situation and make a sacrifice of this magnitude.
If the parents cannot or will not find a way to reunite these twins, I hope they will readily accept the responsibility for knowingly keeping them apart.
jstele,
I can read between the lines quite well – thanks.
You mention – a strain on the families??
What about the strain on these children??
These children grew together in one womb.
Their mother’s womb.
These children belong together – to live together – to grow together.
They need to always be allowed to mirror one another.
Neither family should ‘get them’ if they can’t see that.
They are not commodities to ‘get’.
They are children.
They are twin sisters.
They should have NEVER been separated.
Yes – I know – that was done in China – unbeknownst to them – but the fact remains – they should be allowed to grow together.
Saying that ‘they are settled’ makes everyone think that they’ll be just fine with it all in the end.
They won’t.
How naive.
There is enough grief and heartache for adoptees to be ripped apart from their families.
Here is a chance to lesson some of that grief for these two.
Family preservation should be the absolute first option in all cases.
I stand completely by my first comment.
These adopters are selfish.
It should not be about them.
It should be – IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILDREN.
Possum.
Possum,
“These children belong together – to live together – to grow together.
They need to always be allowed to mirror one another.”
That’s not realistic and unfair to demand of the parents. Your solution would require the families to move in with eachother. I think the most realistic ideal would be for the twins to live near eachother. But that may not be possible due to jobs, etc. The twins certainly deserve to see eachother.
The twins did not choose to be adopted, but the parents did not choose to adopt a twin. The best solution is for the girls to be in contact with eachother and for the parents to support that contact.
jstele –
It’s sad that adopters really can’t put aside their own selfish needs to make sure that twin girls grow up together.
So you are saying that the adopters’happiness comes first and foremost ahead of adoptees’??
I repeat again – adoption should be – IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILD.
This case is clearly NOT.
Possum.
Interesting reading. It’s amazing how people project into something what they need to see.
I am Evie’s mother. Now.
The twins were separated by their birth parents. We did not know they were twins. We are their parents, we love them, we want the best for them with as little further disruption as possible. We are not going to simply hand them over to yet another stranger (yes we were strangers…we know…). They will know each other and see each other and as soon as they are old enough they will be able to be together if they want to be. Yes, this situation stinks but we do what we think is best.
Possum, how dare you tell me I don’t have my daughter’s best interests at heart? Should I sit here and tell you what is happening in YOUR family? Tell you what YOU are really thinking and feeling about it? Of course not.
Get real. Stand in our shoes and then tell me about selfish behaviour. We KNOW the issues involved with having twins raised separately. We live with this every single day, knowing that before long the girls will realise what’s happened to them. There is nothing naive about our thinking. Our children are real people with real lives, not theories or soapboxes or axes to grind.
As for unfair to have to wait – the programme was mostly about the shitty system in the UK whereby papers sit on desks gathering dust for months into years. It wasn’t about entitlement, it was about bureaucracy and outdated theories and how this country is buried under them. And only a tiny fraction of what we said was used in the quoted piece. I’m not going to defend the BBC, I can’t speak for the other families involved and yes the programme’s title was hideous.
And I don’t care who you are KK, where you’re from or what you look like – do not refer to my daughter as a “little slit-eyed kid”. Both girls have a lot of family members with “slit eyes” and even if they didn’t, none of us think it’s clever to use those terms. There is no entitlement, right?
Jo – It’s great to actually hear from a person involved in this story.
Obviously, in the blogosphere, it is easy to project and I can see how frustrating it would be to see commentary about your lives made by complete strangers. I must admit, from a distance, it is easy to say that one of the families must make a sacrifice for the twins to grow up together, as sisters, as they were born to be. However, I am glad to see that you are anticipating hard questions to be thrown your way from your daughter and her sister in the future.
Whatever the future holds for the twins, I hope you take a good look at the other articles and comments on this blog and read the other blogs and sites that are linked here. This is a treasure trove of information and resources about adoption from the adoptee’s perspective – about what your daughter’s life could be like. As an adult adoptee, I can only wish that my parents would have had access to this kind of information and this perspective when I was growing up.
Best of luck.
Harlow's Monkey 
“Neither family ever thought we should reunite them permanently. They are both settled and very happy.”
This is so very wrong on so many levels.
Yeah – of course the adoptive parents would say that ‘Oh – they’re very settled – blah blah blah.
These twins belong together.
Typical selfish adoptive parent behaviour.
It’s just NEVER about the children’s BEST INTERESTS – is it???
UGH.
Possum.
I listened to the programme. I realised how parenthood is not all selflessness and love, but deeply selfish. It became more and more angry as I listened and things haven’t changed much. “There are so many children in the world who needs love.” “We wanted a little child we could love.” “We love her for her beauty.” And they were taught about the “supermarket moment” when strangers will say, “She doesn’t look like you!” “But it hasn’t happened. We are so multi-cultural now people don’t notice.” No, the “supermarket moment” goes like this, a total stranger goes, “She is so cute!!! Aren’t you cute? Just cute! So cute! Aren’t you a lucky girl to be here? In China they kill little girls like you and you are so cute!!!!”
Their training is done by social workers and people working for the adoption industry (it is an industry) and they are mainly white people who have a positive spin on adoption.
The programme was mainly about how UNFAIR it is they have to wait to get their little baby. It is just tearing them apart!!! It is just gruelling having to answer questions, to go through tests and then have to wait. It is just inhumane that they can’t get their little baby when they want because they have so much love to give. That is all they want, just give love to a cute little brown baby. I was puking.
The way they talked was very similar to the way my adoptive parents talked. I don’t doubt that they love the little slit eyed kid, but there is something that jars. The fact they think everything is fine because they live in “multicultural” Britain, or for them in Bath. They enjoyed the attention they got from strangers because of their cute little baby, just like my adoptive parents. It was their “fame”, the only one they could get because they were just ordinary folks.
I hate this programme and hated the title too.
Possum,
“Neither family ever thought we should reunite them permanently. They are both settled and very happy.”
I think you are having a knee-jerk reaction to this comment. The parents aren’t saying the girls shouldn’t see eachother. If so, why would they want to meet up in China? They are saying that they would not have the girls live with eachother. Each girl is settled with her own family. Having the girls live together would put a strain on the families, as which couple would get them?
Sometimes, you need to read between the lines. You have to look at what people mean, which may not be conveyed literally in what they say.
Jstele, I agree that this is a very complicated situation, but I also agree with Possum that the best interest of these twins is not being taken into consideration.
There will be a lot emotions for the girls to consider as they become adult adoptees. Now add in the rhetoric about the power of the twin bond and knowing that you missed that experience, with your parents’ consent, that’s difficult. I don’t think it is too extreme to say that it is selfish for these parents to ask of their daughters to accept this situation and make a sacrifice of this magnitude.
If the parents cannot or will not find a way to reunite these twins, I hope they will readily accept the responsibility for knowingly keeping them apart.
jstele,
I can read between the lines quite well – thanks.
You mention – a strain on the families??
What about the strain on these children??
These children grew together in one womb.
Their mother’s womb.
These children belong together – to live together – to grow together.
They need to always be allowed to mirror one another.
Neither family should ‘get them’ if they can’t see that.
They are not commodities to ‘get’.
They are children.
They are twin sisters.
They should have NEVER been separated.
Yes – I know – that was done in China – unbeknownst to them – but the fact remains – they should be allowed to grow together.
Saying that ‘they are settled’ makes everyone think that they’ll be just fine with it all in the end.
They won’t.
How naive.
There is enough grief and heartache for adoptees to be ripped apart from their families.
Here is a chance to lesson some of that grief for these two.
Family preservation should be the absolute first option in all cases.
I stand completely by my first comment.
These adopters are selfish.
It should not be about them.
It should be – IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILDREN.
Possum.
Possum,
“These children belong together – to live together – to grow together.
They need to always be allowed to mirror one another.”
That’s not realistic and unfair to demand of the parents. Your solution would require the families to move in with eachother. I think the most realistic ideal would be for the twins to live near eachother. But that may not be possible due to jobs, etc. The twins certainly deserve to see eachother.
The twins did not choose to be adopted, but the parents did not choose to adopt a twin. The best solution is for the girls to be in contact with eachother and for the parents to support that contact.
jstele –
It’s sad that adopters really can’t put aside their own selfish needs to make sure that twin girls grow up together.
So you are saying that the adopters’happiness comes first and foremost ahead of adoptees’??
I repeat again – adoption should be – IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILD.
This case is clearly NOT.
Possum.
Interesting reading. It’s amazing how people project into something what they need to see.
I am Evie’s mother. Now.
The twins were separated by their birth parents. We did not know they were twins. We are their parents, we love them, we want the best for them with as little further disruption as possible. We are not going to simply hand them over to yet another stranger (yes we were strangers…we know…). They will know each other and see each other and as soon as they are old enough they will be able to be together if they want to be. Yes, this situation stinks but we do what we think is best.
Possum, how dare you tell me I don’t have my daughter’s best interests at heart? Should I sit here and tell you what is happening in YOUR family? Tell you what YOU are really thinking and feeling about it? Of course not.
Get real. Stand in our shoes and then tell me about selfish behaviour. We KNOW the issues involved with having twins raised separately. We live with this every single day, knowing that before long the girls will realise what’s happened to them. There is nothing naive about our thinking. Our children are real people with real lives, not theories or soapboxes or axes to grind.
As for unfair to have to wait – the programme was mostly about the shitty system in the UK whereby papers sit on desks gathering dust for months into years. It wasn’t about entitlement, it was about bureaucracy and outdated theories and how this country is buried under them. And only a tiny fraction of what we said was used in the quoted piece. I’m not going to defend the BBC, I can’t speak for the other families involved and yes the programme’s title was hideous.
And I don’t care who you are KK, where you’re from or what you look like – do not refer to my daughter as a “little slit-eyed kid”. Both girls have a lot of family members with “slit eyes” and even if they didn’t, none of us think it’s clever to use those terms. There is no entitlement, right?
Jo – It’s great to actually hear from a person involved in this story.
Obviously, in the blogosphere, it is easy to project and I can see how frustrating it would be to see commentary about your lives made by complete strangers. I must admit, from a distance, it is easy to say that one of the families must make a sacrifice for the twins to grow up together, as sisters, as they were born to be. However, I am glad to see that you are anticipating hard questions to be thrown your way from your daughter and her sister in the future.
Whatever the future holds for the twins, I hope you take a good look at the other articles and comments on this blog and read the other blogs and sites that are linked here. This is a treasure trove of information and resources about adoption from the adoptee’s perspective – about what your daughter’s life could be like. As an adult adoptee, I can only wish that my parents would have had access to this kind of information and this perspective when I was growing up.
Best of luck.