Lab Note #13

Reflection

In my world, summers are all about adoption conferences. I missed two adoptee-focused conferences this year – KAAN (Korean Adoptee Adoptive Family Network) held in June and the IKAA (International Korean Adoptee Association) conference in Seoul, South Korea in July. I’ve attended both these conferences several times over the past 20 years. I was able to attend an adoption and foster care conference organized by Families Rising (formerly North American Council on Adoptable Children).

As I watched all of the photos on social media of friends and acquaintances attending the adoptee conferences, and having the opportunity to talk with fellow adoptees and FFY (former foster youth) at Families Rising, I thought a lot about conferences in general and the mixed feelings that often accompany being in these spaces.

The good: adoptee conferences provide a space for us to be in community with each other and there is often a sense of relief when you have a shared language and experience with others. For transracial and transnational adoptees, we understand things only others with our experiences can get – feeling racial imposter syndrome, for example. Having mixed feelings about birth family searches. Sometimes just hearing others share their stories helps put our own into context. These conferences provide ample learning opportunities for us as well. Conference sessions often allow us to delve into topics we don’t have mental space in our daily lives to dig into in a deep way. I think many adoptees have big “a-ha!” moments at these conferences. Lifelong friendships are made.

The bad: adoptee conferences can also be very difficult emotionally. Sometimes when we hear others’ stories or content it triggers our own traumas. Adoption conferences can be rupture points for us. Conferences can be cliquish – many adoptees attend these multiple times and form friendships. So while it’s great to reconnect with folks you may only see in person at these conferences, it can be hard for newcomers to find friends, especially for us introverts. Some sessions are triggering. I remember attending a breakout session at the IKAA conference in 2004 which felt like I was having a huge scab opened up. Adoptee after adoptee shared painful personal experiences and since there were no clinical facilitators (it was just moderated by a couple of volunteers), this activity of sharing such personal feelings and experiences in a space with a bunch of strangers connected only through our identity as Korean adoptees was truly an unsafe space. I vowed I would never attend an open breakout session like that again.

Adoptees have a tendency to overshare at these conferences because it’s assumed others will “get you” and I call this sharing “immediate intimacy.” I’ve sat next to adoptees I’d never met before at dinners and they instantly share histories of abuse, trauma, and isolation – things they probably had never disclosed to anyone but perhaps a therapist and here I am, a perfect stranger. I wonder how many felt afterward some regret. I know I have. I think so many of us know what it’s like to be in such isolation that being in a space with other adoptees feels like quenching our thirst after a lifetime of drought.

Adoptees also have very diverse perspectives on adoption. These spaces bring together adoptees who think adoption is traumatic and all adoption should be abolished with adoptees who think adoption is wonderful and have themselves become adoptive parents. Adoptees have different political and religious views; some have close relationships with their adoptive families and others are estranged. All of these can be points of conflict.

I think those of us who organize, plan, and are regular attendees at adoptee conferences need to be mindful of these dynamics. And for adoptees who are interested in attending and haven’t yet, if possible I would try to connect with people ahead of time so you aren’t totally walking in alone. Having a buddy, if possible, will help a lot! Conferences are expensive and you may feel obligated to make the most of them, attending all the sessions and events – but I’d encourage you to schedule breaks. It’s also common for us to have post-conference blues so maybe it’s helpful to schedule a slower re-entry to “real life” after the conference.

I’ve been discussing conferences here but really, this applies to any intensive gathering of adoptees. They are not for everyone, but there is huge potential for friendship, community, and personal growth.

Recommended reads

Here are a few article links that came across my feed over the past few weeks:

The Imprint is a news outlet focused on child welfare I highly recommend. I recently read this article about California’s ban on “adoption facilitators.” Very recently I had a discussion with a journalist about ethical issues in adoption and I mentioned adoption facilitators as one concern I had, so it was interesting to see this article a few days later.

Several years ago I posted about the limited-edition Barbie developed in partnership with the White Swan Hotel, where many adoptive parents adopting children from China stayed (the original article I linked and posted an exerpt from is no longer live). This article for NBC features this Barbie along with some perspectives from Chinese adoptees.

Minnesota has passed legislation related to original birth certificates for adoptees. Next July 2024, adoptees will be allowed to request birth records. Until then, first parents may indicate contact preferences but can’t veto the request as per the current law. More information on the changes is here via Minnesota Public Radio and Adoptee Rights Law Center.

An article co-written by Staci Robinson discusses Robinson’s recent U.S. citizenship status and the need for legislative reform that would cover older transnational adoptees left out of the Child Citizenship Act of 2000. The article is available here.

Another legal item came up this past week. The Department of Homeland Security issued a “new guidance” to help people experiencing “statelessness” – defined as not being a citizen of any country. There are an unknown number of transnational adoptees in the U.S. who are stateless since our citizenship is terminated in our country of origin when we are adopted to the U.S. and if our adoptive parents did not obtain citizenship for us then we would be considered stateless. If you or someone you know is stateless, I would seek out legal advice before connecting to the Department of Homeland Security.

Resources

There have been a LOT of discussions about the film Joy Ride. I’m saving my own opinion on this for a future reflection post but in the meantime here is an article from St. Louis Public Radio and a discussion guide. I recommend the Joy Ride Discussion Guide and Syllabus created by Kimberly McKee, Sun Yung Shin, Grace Shu Gerloff, and Grace Newton.