It’s been a busy couple of months here at Harlow’s Monkey Central. I took some time off in December to rest and reflect on what I hope to do this next year. As 2024 begins, I’m somewhat shocked this year will mark 20 years since I’ve been blogging, and this spring will be the 18th anniversary of Harlow’s Monkey blog and website. My blog is reaching adulthood!
I want to reflect on some of my own growth and lessons I’ve learned since I first became engaged in my identity development and with the broader adoptee community. I started this blog as a way to be in community with transracial and transnational adoptees. Community is one of my priority values – and one that admittedly has been hard for me, for a number of reasons. I’m an introvert. I was raised in such isolation from other adoptees and communities of color that I’ve had to learn (sometimes the hard way) what it means to truly be part of a community. For a long time, I thought my adoptee and Asian identity development was an independent, individual process. Now I know that it happens most organically when a person is in community with others who share those identities.
When I first started meeting other adoptees and joining adoptee-centric groups, I just assumed everyone felt the same way I did. I learned very quickly that was not true! I’ve learned that being part of a community means not everyone will agree with you, or even like you. I’ve learned lateral harm is one way that people who have been marginalized will process their own trauma, even if that harm is directed toward the very people who can be the most healing and helpful. I’m still learning what it looks like to be a good community member to other adoptees.
In 2000, I went to Korea with 7 other Korean adoptees on a first/birth family search. That trip propelled me into rupture and dissonance. In 2000, I was 30 years old, married with two young kids. I had dropped out of college and was struggling to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. When I re-connected with a Korean adoptee I had met as a child and was invited to go to Korea, I had no idea what I was getting myself into and how disruptive the trip would be for me and my family. It was quite a struggle to find my way out of those first few years of dissonance after that trip. Fortunately, I found some adoptees who generously supported me, and all of these experiences – the good and bad – influenced my decision to become a social worker and eventually do research.
The adoptee community is always changing and adapting, to the new media and technology that’s available, and in response to the growth of adoptees at the helm of projects and organizations. I heard Kimberly McKee on the Janchi Show remind us that the adoptee community had existed before social media and the internet, and I laughed – I remember feeling pretty fancy that I’d discovered blogging (and learning quickly I was quite the newbie and to get over myself). I’m seeing some of the same themes happening now similar to what I faced as an early adoptee-blogger, new to public platform engagement. I thought I’d share some observations from my own perspective on the past year of adoptee social media and adoptee advocacy and activism.
Theme 1: Burnout
I have seen a theme of burnout by adoptees active on social media or on other platforms. I believe two things contribute to burnout: first, a tendency to engage frequently and deeply in all things adoption, and second, realizing too late the importance of setting and holding boundaries around what to share. I recognize this because I’ve been there too. When I first started coming to consciousness about adoption and met other adoptees, I jumped into the deep end of the pool. I attended every adoptee social event available. I read everything I could find – adoptee memoirs, academic books, blogs, and websites. I attended conferences. I even went back to school and started working at adoption-related jobs. I did what I see so many adoptees doing – my awakening sparked an insatiable need to immerse myself in adoption – what Astrid at Adoption Mosaic calls “dripping with adoption.”
The challenge with “dripping with adoption” is how quickly it can become “drowning in adoption.” Suddenly realizing the power of telling our own counter-narrative, we can easily become hyper-aware of all the mechanisms out in the world trying to suppress our perspective. We become hungry to intervene and this might look like arguing with others on social media, getting lost in adoptee literature, starting up our own platform or organization, writing our stories, going back to school to get a degree to advance our expertise in adoption, and forming organizations to advance adoptee issues. The need to be surrounded by all-things-adoption can become overwhelming and all-consuming.
Setting good boundaries is probably the last thing adoptees are thinking about as they embark on these exploratory activities. At first, it can feel so validating to share our story and get feedback from others. But if we aren’t careful, that audience can turn on us. Suddenly people are demanding we educate them. Or we have to manage all the haters who delight in tearing us down. Or we have what I call “morning after” regret, feeling vulnerable and icky for having shared such personal information in a space that isn’t set up to be reciprocal and respectful. Former foster youth Lisa Dickson wrote a powerful blog post that has influenced my practice of sharing my story and the care we need to take in boundary setting. As a result of oversharing and the pressure to be prolific on social media, I see adoptees suddenly disappearing from social media. Maybe they pop back in here and there or maybe they stop commenting and posting about adoption. I get it. I found once I took some breaks and implemented a practice of posting less frequently I was able to enjoy posting again. In our “blink and you’ll miss it” world now I know that can seem scary, but I’d rather prioritize my mental well-being over more followers and subscribers.
I hope in 2024 we can support each other so there’s less burnout and better well-being. I’d like to see less over-sharing in general because while I believe sharing our stories is one of the most powerful things we can do as a community to support each other, doing it in public spaces invites those folks to the conversation who don’t care about our greater well-being.
Theme 2: Lateral violence
What is lateral violence? Also sometimes referred to as horizontal violence, it is characterized by bullying, hostile, and negative interactions between folks occupying the same social level rather than those folks working together to dismantle oppression by those at higher levels of the hierarchy.
I saw this when I first entered the adoptee community back in 1999 and I see it today. This is just my opinion, but I wonder if this is influenced by our inherent isolation as adoptees, being part of a larger capitalist society that focuses on production, ownership, and commodification, and ideologies of individualism over collectivism. Every time I see adoptees calling for an all-or-nothing response to an issue and shaming other adoptees who have a different view, I see lateral violence. I’ve had personal experiences of being called a sell-out by other adoptees because of whom I’ve chosen to collaborate with. I’ve had adoptees accuse me of caring about my career ambitions over principle. I’ve been told I am elitist because I have graduate degrees. I’ve seen other adoptees get this treatment too, for any number of reasons.
I expect to receive this kind of treatment from adoption professionals, adoptive parents, and the larger society, but it’s especially painful when it comes from other adoptees. It is so disheartening to have other adoptees make these accusations without taking the time to get to know me. Based only on what they see online, they’ve pre-judged me. And I see this happening to others. I am not talking about engaging in caring dialogue and giving constructive feedback. Some folks I’ve seen who are most vocal about “community” and “collaboration” act just the opposite to adoptees who don’t agree with them 100%. I’ve been judgmental and I’ve been judged. My hope is that we can offer critique in a spirit of collective mutuality and receive critical feedback with the intention of improvement.
This is where I think ideologies of individualism over collectivism play a role. We are largely operating in social spaces where individual achievement is valued over collective organizing. In a world of influencers and thought-leaders, I hope we, as a community, can be careful and thoughtful about how we take up space and take over spaces, and give credit to those who paved the way for our current opportunities. Citation is a social justice practice (see here and here for more). Because we were isolated in our adoptions, we might be tempted to be isolated in our community work.
In 2024, I hope as a community we can practice what Kimberly McKee and I have both called for (see here) – a greater awareness and acknowledgment of our adoptee genealogies and a stronger sense of lateral love and support….leading me to my next theme.
Theme 3: Collective Action
On a more positive note, I’ve seen absolutely incredible things happen as a result of collective action by adoptees, focused on systemic change and accountability. Adoptee activist groups are gaining momentum in changing damaging laws and policies and forcing both sending and receiving countries to change their practices. This is one of the areas for me personally that is exciting and one of the reasons I want us as a community to work together more. I can’t wait to see how the efforts of our collective action play out in the next few years.
Collective action – to me, anyway – is also about recognizing adoptees need lots of different spaces and there isn’t one universal organization or group that should speak on behalf of all of us. Ideally, I would like to see collaboration among different adoptee groups. We may have different identities or agendas, but we can come together when needed to advocate for our collective well-being just as we can continue to hold spaces for our specific identities and needs.
Theme 4: Cultural Production
The number of books, films, art, and creative projects that came out last year (and are forecast for the next) feels like what I’ve been calling an adoptee renaissance. I feel like a change is in the air in terms of more acceptance for adoptee-driven work. This is also where I think social media can be positive. When adoptees can showcase their work through social media, it disrupts the dominant narratives about us. So many of my adoptee friends have released books, films, organizations, and projects – and every day I feel like I see a project by an adoptee I wasn’t aware of yet. I love the practice of some podcasters who ask their guests for recommendations because that is one way I find great new projects.
Theme 5: Adoptee scholarship
Finally, I have to comment on the incredible rise of adoptee-led scholarship I’ve seen over the past year. As a research nerd, of course I would be excited about all of the research projects! I am particularly excited to see adoptees outside of Korean adoptees doing research since I know we have dominated the research arena both as subjects and as researchers. Please let me know if you’re an adoptee conducting adoptee-centric research – I would love to support your work!
And now, questions for you! What are you most excited to see from our adoptee community over the next year? What questions are we still working to answer? What needs haven’t been addressed?
I really want to thank everyone who engaged with me last year. I experimented with being more active on social media and overall I feel good about it. But I know that not everyone agrees with my research, my blog posts, my opinions, or my advocacy. That’s okay, because our adoptee community is amazing, and other adoptee places and spaces might align with your needs better. If my work doesn’t resonate with you I’m sure you will find other folks and spaces that do.
Coming up, I’ll resume my Lab Note series and I have a lot of exciting news to share about adoptee-centric projects I’m collaborating on. In the meantime, I hope 2024 brings you joy, adventure, and healing, and I look forward to being part of this amazing community.
Harlow's Monkey 
Thank you for the thoughtful work you do. I am regularly challenged by your newsletters. So grateful.
Really needed to hear this today! Thank you!!