This makes me sad. . .

especially the language used by this adoptive parent.

Race and Adoption

Monday, January 1, 2007;  Page A12

Having adopted our daughter from China five years ago, I read with interest David Nicholson’s Dec. 24 op-ed column, "Why Doesn’t White Adopt Black?" I cannot speak for others, but allow me to explain some reasons for our foreign adoption.

In the domestic arena, there is a dominant trend toward open adoption, in which birth parents have continued access to adopted children. Merits (or lack thereof) notwithstanding, we viewed this arrangement as 18 years of potential extortion, especially given court cases in which the adoption was reversed after the birth parents changed their minds and sued for reestablishment of parental rights. Foreign adoptions have no such worry . . .

14 thoughts on “This makes me sad. . .

  1. Yeah, ugh. This is not the first time I’ve heard that argument, but it makes me really angry and sad for their child. I wish that people were better-educated about open adoption.

  2. If they did anyone any favors it was any American expectant mother who might consider relinquishing to someone like this arrogant entitled f-wad who thinks they have the right to buy a baby by any means necessary, then close the adoption after they get custody.

  3. This makes me very sad too. It also strikes a personal chord since I was adopted for very similar reasons, my a-parents had a trio of boys and wanted a baby girl. It was creepy growing up knowing that I was chosen specifically on gender and attainability.
    I guess it all boils down to supply and demand. I understand now that international adoption is an industry. It says a lot about us as human beings that children are now marketable goods.
    And why do Caucasian AP’s most often choose Asians over African Americans? Is it because they view us as more diluted than black or any other color?

  4. We’ve all got to choose the arrangement that is best for us and our families. I chose adoption from China for many of the same reasons this aparent mentions. I wouldn’t have made sense for me to choose an arrangement I was uncomfortable with or couldn’t live with. Domestic OA is not for everyone. I have a number of friends in OAs or attemtped OAs and I don’t envy any of them.

  5. Every day, I think about my son’s parents in China, and I wonder how they are, and wish they could know this wonderful child and he them. I know that no matter how much I love him, no matter what I can offer him, we are at most the second best family for him. It makes me so sad to think that the black hole where the first family should be is a primary reason people choose to adopt from China.
    There are many things that should be considered carefully in deciding to become parents, and even more to examine if you choose to parent through adoption. I wish more parents of all sorts would do that soul searching and research. I believe the first task of parenthood is to put your child’s best interest before your own wants and desires. That doesn’t just start when the child is sleeping under your roof, either. I hate to see open adoption bandied about as something evil that justifies the decision to adopt from another country, based on horror stories and anecdotal experiences. It speaks to a decision made without due consideration, or at least gives the impression that a decision was made without due consideration. I’d like to think this was an erroneous impression created by cursory editing. . . but it probably wasn’t.

  6. It is sad… I don’t know why APs like this never cease to amaze me. My husband and I are APs with three bio sons and a daughter from China. But our reasons, our whole approach to adoption is so completely different than those of so many vocal APs. Every time I read something like this, I can’t believe it…Perhaps it’s time to get a bit more vocal myself.

  7. In Canada, we have universal health care-you can take what the government pays for or you can exit stage right to the US where there are more choices, better facilities and a different attitude from health care providers. I confess that I chose China vs. domestic adoption because I didn’t feel that domestic adoption respected my family or worked to protect our rights as adoptive parents. The huge number of families flocking overseas is not an “industry”, its a backlash against our laws.
    I feel alot differently now that I know my daughters and have shared their losses with them. I would trade anything to be able to undo the tragedies that have occurred in their short lives, I recognize that I AM one of the tragedies.
    If I raise my daughters to be strong, independent young women who can make decisions for themselves, my goal will have been achieved. If at the end of it all they decide they are bitter and hate my guts for contributing to “adoption industry”, so be it.

  8. I hope you had a wonderful holiday.
    Thanks for posting the link to the Post article, and to this comment. I got a couple of emails from outraged parents who said much the same thing as this commenter.
    What surprised me most of all – although I shouldn’t have been surprised, I guess – is how entitled the parents who wrote the emails were. Both raised many points indicating why it wasn’t possible for them to adopt white infants or black children, and both clearly believed that it was their RIGHT to adopt.
    I need to check out the Post to see if there are any responses that voice different opinions. I sincerely hope so.

  9. I think this has a lot to do with that “model minority” stereotype. Asian girls are smarter.
    Besides, adopting Asian girls is good because, they’ll get abandonded anyway, right? stupid f-er.
    Anytime any parent adopts transracially they must consider race. Is it racism, not necessarily. But to deny that it has anything to do with race is stupid.

  10. P2H:
    “Besides, adopting Asian girls is good because, they’ll get abandonded anyway, right? stupid f-er.”
    Chinese girls who are available for adoption have already been abandoned…..abandoned long before any overseas couple is ever made aware of their existence. It is with much less frequency that Chinese girls are adopted when they are past infancy. So the notion of “saving a Chinese girl from abandonment” makes no sense.
    I’d ask everyone to please, please, please not generalize about adoptive parents. We are not a single unified group of people with identical backgrounds, thoughts and motivations. We don’t know what is in anyone’s heart unless they tell us or demonstrate what they believe. To say that race had something to do with my daughter’s adoption from China is simply inaccurate. The fact is, there are myriad other reasons why I chose to adopt from China that don’t have anything to do with my daughter’s race.

  11. “…we viewed this arrangement as 18 years of potential extortion…”
    So they specifically chose a country where the victims (women and children) have far fewer rights. Just another example of narcissistic people being governed by selfishness and fear. And I’ve come to see that we APs are most *all* guilty of some variant of this in one way or another. None of us are exempt, no matter what our reasonings or thoughts or justifications were when we chose to adopt.

  12. I always found it curious that girls are the more popular sex when it comes to adoption.
    When I read the IA China boards it does seem to be mostly either people with no children or 2 or more bio boys.
    I always figured it was because females are more compliant and easier to control
    But yeah this woman does sound like an entitiled f-wad.
    Notice the concern for her daughter?
    Oh ooops absent

  13. That whole post makes me feel sick to my stomach. Thinking about birthparents changing their minds as a reason to go abroad to make things more convenient and to bring them piece of mind from the thought of losing their adoptive child is so utterly ridiculous. Really brings new meaning to “out of sight, out of mind” eh?
    And for gender selection? As if people who have children biologically have such a luxury to choose the gender of their baby to be. So extremely elitist.

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