hmmmm….but this is how I have always felt.
An adoptee myself, I have always been afraid of having bio children, afraid there might really be some magic to biology after all. I truly never wanted to have biological children. Adoption is what I know. And if someone is going to be an AP, better it be someone who gets it, deep down gets it.
“An adoptee myself, I have always been afraid of having bio children, afraid there might really be some magic to biology after all.”
True.
Everywhere you look in the blogosphere though, people keep claiming there is no real significance to biology.
I think that is their attempt at making adoption seem more “normalized.”
“Everywhere you look in the blogosphere though, people keep claiming there is no real significance to biology.”
really? because as an adoptee, the overwhelming message I get from the world is that biology is norm and adoption is marginalized and less than.
Maybe you are talking about AP blogs where the sentiment is that they love their adopted children as much as bios…where they do see adoption as normalized? So they try to minimize biology in order to elevate adoption? Sure, minimizing bio does no good – they need to be held together and honored as coexisiting elements for the adoptee…
Biology does not define me nor does it drive me – it is but one element of who I am and who I have become in life.
“because as an adoptee, the overwhelming message I get from the world is that biology is norm and adoption is marginalized and less than.”
Exactly. People are fighting hard to make adoption more “normalized.” Like not being a second choice, or a last resort, etc.
I’m not necessarily just talking about the blogosphere though. Sorry, I should have rephrased that. In the blogosphere people try very hard to make it just as ‘normal’ as bio families – because to them, that’s what it IS. Normal.
In general, in society, there are subconscious messages being relayed all the time that being adopted isn’t, in fact, “the same as.”
Whether or not the adoptee chooses to believe that though is a different story.
Interesting responses.
As an AP I would say the notion that I would love my adopted child “as my own” burst pretty much on the day I met my older son. I would also say the day I knew my place was when we were asked if we would adopt his younger brother two years later.
I suppose I cannot really say because I have no bio children, but I believe my family is in fact different. And denying that would only hurt my children.
What is normal anyway? I am the result of a long line of alcoholics on one side and a schizophrenic on the other. Normal doesn’t work for me.
“What is normal anyway?”
As indicated by society’s subconscious message, “normal” is eggs & sperm – biologically produced by a man and woman.
It’s the unspoken expectation, seemingly a “standard”, even.
grrrr….while I appreciate the sentiment of this post, I hate the message. My husband and I chose to adopt a child who needed a home. That’s it. And we love being parents to our daughter as a result. It doesn’t need to be the choice of last resort.
I’m not sure why the person posting a secret (“I secretly hope I can’t have kids so I have a reason to adopt.”) would feel that infertility is the only reason to adopt.
My husband and I are in our early thirties and decided to start our family through adoption. It was our first choice. We adopted two siblings who were ages 10 and 13 at the time of the adoption. Following our instincts and hearts and not worrying about what’s “normal” was the best decision we ever made. We have the honor of raising the two best kids in the world, and my husband and I remind each other every day how lucky we are to be the parents of our children.
-Sarah, parent
As a parent of both bio and adopted kids, I can say this: Biology IS different. Not better, but different. When I gave birth to my son, I was flooded with hormones that drove my attachment and love for him. It was intense, all-consuming. But just like when you fall in love, that butterfly feeling doesn’t last, but if you’re lucky, a deep and abiding love that comes from truly knowing someone develops in its place.
When I adopted my other son and my daughter, who are bio siblings and adopted together at 5 yrs and 14 mos respectively, they were strangers to me. I didn’t have the mommy hormones flooding my system. It took some time to develop that deep and real love. Every day I know them, I love them more. They’ve been with me two years now, and they are as much a part of me as my bio son.
I do wonder how the biology of motherhood will affect my daughter, if and when (and how – will she want to adopt?) she decided to have children. I hope it heals her, and doesn’t hurt her. I hope I can support her the right ways during that time.
But as any good parent of multiple children can tell you, I love all my children differently, but all of them equally – all of them more than anything.
Harlow's Monkey 
.. wonderful.
it makes no sense…same as adoption.
hmmmm….but this is how I have always felt.
An adoptee myself, I have always been afraid of having bio children, afraid there might really be some magic to biology after all. I truly never wanted to have biological children. Adoption is what I know. And if someone is going to be an AP, better it be someone who gets it, deep down gets it.
“An adoptee myself, I have always been afraid of having bio children, afraid there might really be some magic to biology after all.”
True.
Everywhere you look in the blogosphere though, people keep claiming there is no real significance to biology.
I think that is their attempt at making adoption seem more “normalized.”
“Everywhere you look in the blogosphere though, people keep claiming there is no real significance to biology.”
really? because as an adoptee, the overwhelming message I get from the world is that biology is norm and adoption is marginalized and less than.
Maybe you are talking about AP blogs where the sentiment is that they love their adopted children as much as bios…where they do see adoption as normalized? So they try to minimize biology in order to elevate adoption? Sure, minimizing bio does no good – they need to be held together and honored as coexisiting elements for the adoptee…
Biology does not define me nor does it drive me – it is but one element of who I am and who I have become in life.
“And if someone is going to be an AP, better it be someone who gets it, deep down gets it.”
True, that.
“because as an adoptee, the overwhelming message I get from the world is that biology is norm and adoption is marginalized and less than.”
Exactly. People are fighting hard to make adoption more “normalized.” Like not being a second choice, or a last resort, etc.
I’m not necessarily just talking about the blogosphere though. Sorry, I should have rephrased that. In the blogosphere people try very hard to make it just as ‘normal’ as bio families – because to them, that’s what it IS. Normal.
In general, in society, there are subconscious messages being relayed all the time that being adopted isn’t, in fact, “the same as.”
Whether or not the adoptee chooses to believe that though is a different story.
Interesting responses.
As an AP I would say the notion that I would love my adopted child “as my own” burst pretty much on the day I met my older son. I would also say the day I knew my place was when we were asked if we would adopt his younger brother two years later.
I suppose I cannot really say because I have no bio children, but I believe my family is in fact different. And denying that would only hurt my children.
What is normal anyway? I am the result of a long line of alcoholics on one side and a schizophrenic on the other. Normal doesn’t work for me.
“What is normal anyway?”
As indicated by society’s subconscious message, “normal” is eggs & sperm – biologically produced by a man and woman.
It’s the unspoken expectation, seemingly a “standard”, even.
Good point.
I guess I’ve always felt that normal is that which everyone seems to like to point out you aren’t.
grrrr….while I appreciate the sentiment of this post, I hate the message. My husband and I chose to adopt a child who needed a home. That’s it. And we love being parents to our daughter as a result. It doesn’t need to be the choice of last resort.
I’m not sure why the person posting a secret (“I secretly hope I can’t have kids so I have a reason to adopt.”) would feel that infertility is the only reason to adopt.
My husband and I are in our early thirties and decided to start our family through adoption. It was our first choice. We adopted two siblings who were ages 10 and 13 at the time of the adoption. Following our instincts and hearts and not worrying about what’s “normal” was the best decision we ever made. We have the honor of raising the two best kids in the world, and my husband and I remind each other every day how lucky we are to be the parents of our children.
-Sarah, parent
As a parent of both bio and adopted kids, I can say this: Biology IS different. Not better, but different. When I gave birth to my son, I was flooded with hormones that drove my attachment and love for him. It was intense, all-consuming. But just like when you fall in love, that butterfly feeling doesn’t last, but if you’re lucky, a deep and abiding love that comes from truly knowing someone develops in its place.
When I adopted my other son and my daughter, who are bio siblings and adopted together at 5 yrs and 14 mos respectively, they were strangers to me. I didn’t have the mommy hormones flooding my system. It took some time to develop that deep and real love. Every day I know them, I love them more. They’ve been with me two years now, and they are as much a part of me as my bio son.
I do wonder how the biology of motherhood will affect my daughter, if and when (and how – will she want to adopt?) she decided to have children. I hope it heals her, and doesn’t hurt her. I hope I can support her the right ways during that time.
But as any good parent of multiple children can tell you, I love all my children differently, but all of them equally – all of them more than anything.